Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.

I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.

[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit

She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.

the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts

I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.

It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.

My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.

I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?

I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.

We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over. 

But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.

waiter: what would you like?

me: maybe the steak

waiter: and what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have the steak too

Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.

Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.

cop: can you describe the suspect

witness: he was no more than 6 feet

cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god

I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan

The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.

We only have one star.

Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.

I’m not into casual sex. Send me a résumé.

ugh fine

…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman

Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do

Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi

I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.

I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.

Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct

😂

I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.

No time for questions.

Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot

Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body

Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man

My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.

[eating paste]

Here’s what I think…