Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.

Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.

“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”

…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!

Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.

I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult

Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?

Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!

ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.

Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?

Sundae school.

My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized

My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?

I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.

Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.

And then Satan said “water down the gravy”

(me as a paramedic)

*rubbing two cymbals together*

Clear!

*slams cymbals together*

WAKE UP!

Text messages from my mum read like they are from a hit man.

My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon

If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever

Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”

Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end

Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.

You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.

Me: Don’t question my art.

Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”

This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.

I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.

me: wHaT iS It DocToR

dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people

me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS

dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS

You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run

This concludes your parenting course.

Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.

Gas station lines at 2 am:

At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.

[Olive Garden]

Me: *walks in*

Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.

Me: Huh?

Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.