@Matt_The_1st

Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me

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@sweetg35

I started out with nothing and still have most of it!

Fact.

@TheAlexNevil

*first day as a hair stylist

“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”

@cuckoo_cachu

At this point, I’m positive I’ve read the entire Bible via Facebook status updates.
*crosses off bucket list*

@djdarrellripley

Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.

@mack44_d

I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.

@BuckyIsotope

If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.

@EamonToPlease

My phone just sent me an unsolicited hockey score. Aren’t there Japanese horror films that start this way?

@illTortuga

I asked my Ouija board when I was going to get a girlfriend and it spelled out HAHAHAHAHA until it caught fire.