Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me

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on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR


I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship


[naming our daughter]

wife: i love the name anna

me: i love soft french cheeses.

wife: brianna?


The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.


*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl


Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]


Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.


Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?