Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.

IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?

me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts

IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?

me: well, where to begin…

[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”

today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more

sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too

Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.

When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.

I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do

Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”

Sink: “Good one.”

Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas

Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am

My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.

[knock on door]

JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

ME (hates gossip): no

If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.

Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!

Optometrist: better or worse?

Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now

is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while

Mathematics was simple until they added English to it

Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury

Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?

Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets

[1st night w/Russian bride]

“take yr panties off”

[smaller panties underneath]

“them too”

[even smaller panties underneath]

“damnit…”

Watching the Olympics I was inspired to get back out running as I’ve put quite a bit of timber on. Pulled a muscle trying to pull up my running socks. The mrs hasn’t stopped laughing

GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.

ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.

GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”

ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.

My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.

My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet

Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.

At noon, we ride.*

*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.

Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.

My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.

[Confessional Booth]

Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?

Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.

My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]