Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
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Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Danger is very dangerous
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭