Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.

I never give second chances, just 45 and then goodbye

my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works

Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?

Hey, fellas

I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.

Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later

Pollen: lol, ok

My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.

[murder scene]

MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea

6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*

“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”

Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*

[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss

a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet

God: you’re a bird.

Penguin: yay!

God: but you can’t fly.

Penguin: why?

God: you need way more feathers to fly.

Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.

[flying squirrel glides by]

Penguin:

God: technically that’s not flying lol.

Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.

A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.

a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs

When he asks for feet pics

I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.

no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.

You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.

[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s

I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me

Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.

Don’t leave me hanging, Larry

*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*

Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.

Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?

Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.

The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.

If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.

I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.

Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.

Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date