Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
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Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.