Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
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Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Bootstraps
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
So, this is how my day is going. How about you?
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
“Ooh go on then, I’ll just have one!”
*eats many, many, many, many biscuits*