Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.

Me: I’ll be there in five minutes

Pharmacist: It should be ready

Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*

Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes

Me: I KNEW IT

ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail

idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.

[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.

*after sex*

Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”

Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.

My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.

Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.

The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.

I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.

OH. COME. ON.

On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.

Active voice: I loved your book

Passive voice: Your book was loved

Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book

[pronounces modeling like yodeling]

we stayed at an air bnb with the most perfect pillows. a revelation. perfectly firm but soft. my neck stopped hurting. so I wrote down the brand and item number from the tag and looked it up and they’re the same pillows we have at home

The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.

Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.

KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.

Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope

Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.

me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ

My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness

As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….

The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.

The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever

Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.

I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.

I don’t care, the spider’s dead.

Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.

I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie