Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
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“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
me: oh my god!!! i just had the most amazing nap.
doctor: you were just under general anesthesia.
me: when can i go again?
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
God, I love Scotland
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Isn’t
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep