Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
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Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry