Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
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Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
My exorcist thinks we should see other demons
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Saw an article on “100 things to do before you die.” Was surprised Call 911 didn’t make the list.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]