Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[caught hiding something in the garbage]

gf: are you eating hot wings again?

me: no

gf: oh really, then touch your eyes

me: god damnit

I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.

When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.

I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.

OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋

HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?

ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.

toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil

Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.

15 passed his driver’s permit test today. so going forward this will now be a parent horror-comedy account.

ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you

If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.

Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?

Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back

For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?

HDMI

Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.

my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this

[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]

So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza

Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂

[friend’s house]

ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?

FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.

You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?

I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱

[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]

waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews

Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*

😂🤣😂🤣

I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.

They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.

Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.

Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.

JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt

ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it

I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.