Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
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It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG