Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
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As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]