Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
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cooking with glasses on is so humiliating…why did i just get blinded by steam
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.