Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
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spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.