Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as Uber driver]

Me: any song requests?

Passenger: no thanks

Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?

Every wedding video you’ve ever seen

If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.

if you want to gamble on sports you should have to go to a little room across town and talk to a stinky little man. there should be an aura of griminess about it. you should not be able to do gambling on your phone

Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…

*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all

*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few

My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery

her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?

him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous

An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.

Octopuses call that “leg day.”

me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight

him: sure how about a movie

me: cool you pick

[halfway through Teen Wolf]

me: you tricked me

Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.

Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:

AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!

[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]

Genie: You have 3 wishes—

Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!

*45 minutes later*

Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?

Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.

Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.

1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child

Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it

My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.

I should probably have stopped when I got to her name

*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”

ME: my contract says I can work from home

BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine

Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.

6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’

4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’

I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…

It was in the non-friction section.

As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.

It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!

As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.

“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”

-Poetic Justice

Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”

Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun

Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.

Still laughing at this stupid meme

Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort