Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.

Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…

NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too

ME: Thoughts and bears

NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–

ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope

[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.

Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”

With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.

My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”

“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.

How to really enjoy the rain:

1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits

them: it’s carl with a K

me: oh ok hi cark

[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles

I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”

Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕

Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.

[first day as an ambulance driver]

ME: *crashes into a light pole*

PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet

We talk a lot about the conflict between slow vs fast walkers and not enough about encountering someone who walks EXACTLY YOUR SPEED and it turns into a heated but silent conflict

my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers

You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong

when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS

I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.

Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”

sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica

Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.

13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.

Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.

Dear Kelloggs,

Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.

Sincerely,
Tired parents

So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.

With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…

Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.

*Coats body in coffee grains

*Waits for osmosis to occur

[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know