@bransonreese
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
@Divergentmama
Do people who are allergic to bee stings break out in hives?
@erichwithach
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
@evepeyser
TWIST!
@BrandonEsWolf
The flight attendant keeps saying “Please stop asking for peanuts. Busses don’t have flight attendants.”
@thetits
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
@GrantTanaka
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
@tangledteatime
Her: I got hit by lightning when I was younger
Me: did you die
@friedmanjon
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
@RunOldMan
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
@TheMichaelRock