@TheMichaelRock

Sorry, I just got your text. Do you still need a ride to the ER?

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@skedaddle74

Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise

@patrickmarkryan

Two drivers crash into each other. They both finish writing their texts before getting out of their cars to inspect the damage

@iwearaonesie

wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!

@E_Ville13

Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.

@AmericanGent69

Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.

Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.

@DontTouchMyWine

If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.

@JCWisdomNuggets

Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.

@neonorchid1

If I ever put ‘Taken’ in my Twitter bio, just know it was…

A: By Aliens

B: By the men in white coats

C: Into custody

@mdob11

[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?

@peb671

Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.