Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
Sorry, I just got your text. Do you still need a ride to the ER?
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Two drivers crash into each other. They both finish writing their texts before getting out of their cars to inspect the damage
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
If I ever put ‘Taken’ in my Twitter bio, just know it was…
A: By Aliens
B: By the men in white coats
C: Into custody
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.