@TheMichaelRock

Sorry, I just got your text. Do you still need a ride to the ER?

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@bransonreese

One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there

@erichwithach

I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.

@BrandonEsWolf

The flight attendant keeps saying “Please stop asking for peanuts. Busses don’t have flight attendants.”

@thetits

Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.

Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

@GrantTanaka

crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged

@friedmanjon

I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.

@RunOldMan

Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.