Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse

ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse

COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?

ME: It’s like a big, fast dog

I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.

Him: Baby are you mad?

Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
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Typing…
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Typing…
No, why?

2019: The floor is lava.

2020: The year is lava.

I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.

Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing

Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.

~Me to me

You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…

Yeah, well I ate her.

Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect

Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.

[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender

If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die

My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.

I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.

If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.

Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.

ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip

*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN

If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.

Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.

I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh

*Moses opens tablet*

You have TEN unread commandments.

I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.

My suitcase was 1 pound overweight at bag check so i smiled sweetly at the ticket agent to get away with it… Yall that man said “idk what you doing that for… i got all my teeth too” 😂😂😂

My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.

I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.

this post was so formative to me

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????