Sorry I just read your text from 12 years ago. Are you guys still at Blockbuster?
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Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Listening to music and explicit lyrics play.
In my 20s: *turns song up and sings along loudly with it*
In my 40s: *changes song* Do they have to cuss so much?
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat