Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around

Me: I promise you I do not

If I was a hairdresser, I’d hold up a chopping board instead of a mirror just to see how many people still go ‘yeah that’s great’.

Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred

An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist

*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*

BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry

Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.

I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.

He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.

If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.

Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.

My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once

I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman

*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel

when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good

Winnipeg!!

My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.

At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.

This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.

Encore…

Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps

Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.

[on a first date]

Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement

5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?

Me: Pay the bills.

5: Are you winning?

Me: No.

Why ‘airport KFC’ and not ‘Kentucky Fried Check-In’?

*eats only grass-fed donuts

(invention of the crib)

put that baby in jail

My neighbor is handing out hot dogs, Kit Kats & Pez. When a group of kids arrives I’ll yell “They’re eating the dogs! They’re eating the Kats! They’re eating the Pez of the people who live there!”

My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.

If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.