Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.

I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall

The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.

As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.

Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages

Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume

fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work

I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.

Is no one else a little relieved the affair was with a person

Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.

My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.

DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be

Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all

Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?

I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.

Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*

Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?

Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.

ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]

HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!

M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome

A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish

[1907. the first convenience store opens]

GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn

Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?

Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?

It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.

-me, to the vegetables in my fridge

Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly

Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit

Waking up a teen for school:

1st try: Time to wake up.
3rd try: Please get up.
10th try: GET UP NOW!

Teen: Why are you yelling?

Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas

People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.

Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?

Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger

The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.

I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭

Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!

Priest: *stops talking*

Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*

house sitting!

NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR

HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly