sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet
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Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Why do we have to label everything? Idk… call me your emotional support bounce house for all i care
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls