sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet
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Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Other people were raised to kiss the chef if they found a bay leaf in their food too, right? Why is this restaurant asking me to leave
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”
You thought wrong.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.