sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet
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“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
I’m crying im so happy for them
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?