Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
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When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Watson was Holmes schooled
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.