Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
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I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
My blood type is b hungry.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
bears
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
I’ve got lots of frenemies. That’s what I call French people who are my enemies.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day