Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
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[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Steven: Good evening
Stephen: Good ephening
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY