Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
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[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
This guy just fulfilled everyone’s childhood dream 🤩
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?