Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.

Me: Where are the kids?

Wife: Mom’s

Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

W: Almost certainly not

Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”

*looking at glass of wine*

*turns off phone*

We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.

My favorite sport ? Lasagna

I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl

BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job

Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.

If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.

What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes

Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!

My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.

Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.

*Takes drive down memory lane

*Gets a DUI

Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”

i- i did not expect this

In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.

I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.

Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:

My exorcist thinks we should see other demons

*A guide to 1st dates*

Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?

Me: I’m having a heart attack.

BFF: you are not.

Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind

studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics

Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job

I met a microbiologist today…

He was a lot bigger than I expected.

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.

Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”

Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it

Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.

My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”

My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”

Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound

Me: omg

Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?

Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you