Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?

Me: we met at a nickelback conc-

Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.

If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.

this is the most humiliating day of my life

“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”

~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”

My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime

ME: You have a beautiful home.

HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.

Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”

And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.

To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.

I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart

on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours

Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0

if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.

If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.

[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please

I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong

“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”

Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.

COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u

Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.

It might have been meant for a really small family.

Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.

I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.

Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out

First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”

Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death

Gladiator: Hell yeah

Madiator: well this is bullshit