Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
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Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
A list of fun place names to ask an American to say:
-Worcestershire
-Leicestershire
-Gloucester
-Edinburgh
-Loughborough
-Southwark
-Marylebone
-Reading
-Cholmondeley
-Towcester
-Berwick
-Cirencester
-Salisbury
-High Wycombe
-Chiswick
-Leominster
-Ruislip
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
So McDonald’s employees can spot the United healthcare CEO murderer but can’t spot the fries missing from my fucking bag?!?!!??
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
who wore it better?
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.