‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
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difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
#FunnyLife Insects
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
I’d hang this in my house.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Love this guy
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
thought i lost my wallet today but then i found it. free endorphin booster if you’re stupid enough
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.