‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
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just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
PER MY LAST EMAIL
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Yoga Matt
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
LOL!
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.