‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
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Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs