Sorry, I liked your tweet one second after you posted it but in my defense, I’ve had my phone in my hand since 2012
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“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
British people be like I’m Bri ish
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
idk if im pregnant or what but i been craving 3 million dollars so bad
I know so many people with cats and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat.
Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like “yeah he just moved in.”
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
if he doesn’t like your fruit puns you need to let that mango
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.