Sorry, I liked your tweet one second after you posted it but in my defense, I’ve had my phone in my hand since 2012
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DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”
Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”
Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
One venti cheeseburger please.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
having a peanut allergy has to be so wild. like imagine you’re at a baseball game and there are people chucking bags of rattlesnakes past your head
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Go bears!
(I’m not watching football I just hate salmon)
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Printer ink is expensive
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
asking santa clause for nudes