Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that

Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”

I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore

Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.

HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.

When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.

I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.

I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.

Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.

We are NOT ok.

The rain is falling sideways here right now and the biting wind is freezing. Margo from catering has been staring through the window for the past hour, absolutely transfixed. I should probably unlock the door and let her in.

#StormAshley

There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.

DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*

I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”

Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?

“…just don’t tell your mother.”

Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.

“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”

Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :

“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”

Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.

6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!

I bet birds love this building.

[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?

Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.

i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure

Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”

A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.

Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.

Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.

Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*

Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?