*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
You Might Also Like
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Texting…because men didn’t have a hard enough time understanding women before so we had to take away the ability to convey tone.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
*eats whole carrot cake*
*waits for eyesight to improve*