@iRowlf

Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.

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@jessokfine

[Me at job interview]

And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?

@VaultsOpen

My 6 year old nephew is legitimately pissed off that there is no actual monkey in the monkey bread.

@NervousJr

Hey everyone who says aliens don’t exist.

Explain morning people.

@Browtweaten

[first day as a genetic scientist]

co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves

me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno

@SortaBad

Rob Zombie is a good musician but also a great way to make money when the undead rise from their graves

@NJFreudian

Which doesnt belong?

Camel
Polar Bear
Obama
Buffalo

Camel……It’s the only one on the list that knows something about the Middle East

@callmeshitto

18 years ago today, Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum saved our country and our PLANET from an alien invasion. Never forget

@abbycohenwl

[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA

@dafloydsta

HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here