[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
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My 6 year old nephew is legitimately pissed off that there is no actual monkey in the monkey bread.
Hey everyone who says aliens don’t exist.
Explain morning people.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Rob Zombie is a good musician but also a great way to make money when the undead rise from their graves
Which doesnt belong?
Camel……It’s the only one on the list that knows something about the Middle East
18 years ago today, Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum saved our country and our PLANET from an alien invasion. Never forget
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
I’m giving up eating food off the floor for Lent
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here