@iRowlf

Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.

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@HatfieldAnne

*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*

@That_Damn_Duck

Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.

@roxiqt

DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature

ME: [leaves]

@Mom_Overboard

So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet

@mistakentweets

Texting…because men didn’t have a hard enough time understanding women before so we had to take away the ability to convey tone.

@heyitsJudeD

My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over

My husband not so much so

@Chelsea_Elle

So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.

@sarcasticmommy4

*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*

Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!

Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.

@PavelASamsonov

It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”