Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
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I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
This is my brand.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Dance like you’re not the father
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.