Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
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You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
For those that worship cheese..
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.