Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*

Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.

I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.

PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!

What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.

Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.

Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.

Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.

Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no

I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.

People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old

If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong

Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax

microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie

Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.

*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*

“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”

Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.

Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*

Me: My eyes are up here.

very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.

Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army

In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.

I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”

*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?

I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.

[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?

Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind

Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese

Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first

There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.

me: hit me, daddy

poker dealer: don’t call me that

Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.

Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.

[ DURING SEX ]

Me: Who’s a bad hand!?

Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.

T: You need a break
M: Yes.

T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?

T: Hell no.