Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
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I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
2020: Everyone needs to count their steps every day!
2025: How walking is actually killing you.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!