Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this could fix me

Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken

Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken

Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.

I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.

5: mom, are you a grown up?

me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?

5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?

Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.

One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.

Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”

[getting a ride home]

Me: ok keep going straight here

Train engineer: stop saying that

Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!

You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.

[Coffee line]

*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.

Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?

That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes

They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.

Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)

cop: know why I pulled you over?

fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick

Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?

Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.

Wife: Yep

Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.

My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.

we’re gonna need another temp

I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.

As long as that distance is 300 miles.

Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?

Did you also know that I can run 83 mph?

cop: you’re so busted

me: thanks. I just had them done

My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..

Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick

I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human

There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.

Hands: Hold my beer.

WWE is French for “yes”