Sorry I made promises on Friday
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Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Imagine people magazine putting you in their sexiest man alive issue and everybody response is no….. omg
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Of course I have critical thinking skills I’m thinking critically of you right now.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
🥴😂
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!