Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
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can’t get enough of this specific type of Olympic event. happy to hear arguments for others
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
A woof in sheep’s clothing.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
8 year old: we’re learning about ancient Rome at school
me: awesome! I’ve actually been to the Colosseum
8 year old: did you watch the people fighting?
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
My cousin is supposedly into taekwondo but he never finished his training.
He has a belt in partial arts
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Lucky old June.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.