Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”

Where are you going?

“Ice fishing”

You know you can just buy ice at the store right?

“No I mean th…”

Or just freeze some water even…

My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.

Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*

Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!

Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?

Wife:

Me: Omelette you eat now

ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..

APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable

I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.

sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.

I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.

I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row

What a kind woman! 😂😂

Nobody:

Absolutely nobody:

Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where

Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.

11yo son just walked by.

If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.

henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back

Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more

When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.

You know she’s a keeper.

I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out

My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.

I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.

We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to

I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.

Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?

Because the rest were not-E.

Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.

If the Universe is continuing to expand then why does my rent keep going up?

I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.

If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.

Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.

Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.

When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.