Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
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My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Leaving the Barbers like
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.