Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
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me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap