Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.

My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.

Robber: give me your money

Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke

Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20

Me: thanks dude

Robber: no problem. Now give me your money

velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property

Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.

I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.

*unhooking milker from my gorilla*

wife: still no glue?

Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.

My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school

You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time

yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna

The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!

I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.

My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.

Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say

can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper

I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights

Fun tip:

Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.

*thumbs up*

Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”

Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo

70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.

I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.

And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.

Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.

[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]

Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.

Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.

I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.

super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog

When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.

If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.

Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.