Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.

Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try

Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.

Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary

I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.

me: just tell me what to do

universe: *gives me a clear sign*

me: well that could be for anybody

I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?

Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.

Her: I agree but can we land first?

[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too

Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.

[Child reading their story to the class]

& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.

The End

Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time

How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube

The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.

Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?

[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”

Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.

boss: u should’ve been here at 9

me: why what happened at 9

*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.

if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.

Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”

Him:

Me:

Him:

Me: Roarrrr… get it?

*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*

I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.

I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.

Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:

Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.

Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.

Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking

6: Why are we at the vet?

Me: So our pig can’t have babies

6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?

Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch

I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time

I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles

And guys you’re not going to believe this but….

I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic