Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today

Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.

I turn off the light to sprinkle on hot sauce because I like surprises

[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*

*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*

Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!

Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.

everyone’s a critic

Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing

I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”

Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired

Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios

*one of those scenarios turns out to be true

Me: I KNEW IT!

So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.

Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair

Me: 🙂

Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it

Me: 😐

Facial recognition: noooo?

Me: 🤨

Facial recognition: no

Me: 😒

Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no

Me: 🥴

Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE

[death row]

prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?

me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years

Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.

I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.

18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.

Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.

As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.

I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.

Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing

Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.

Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?

Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants

I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.

Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.

I call this the Heineken maneuver.

If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed

Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.

watergate? u mean a dam??

Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers

[creation of insects]

LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die