Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
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*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
I was visiting my parents yesterday and found this. I’m their only child.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.