Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
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I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Tier 3 meme
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
the wife told me that we’re invited to a country themed party so I’m wearing this
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.