Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
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“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Flock of bats
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
No crypto for me thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
