Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
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Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Deer are just ballerina dogs
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.