Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.

I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.

Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*

me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here

Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.

[2 Years into Cosmetology School]

Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?

For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in

*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*

“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed

Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.

I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.

Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware

Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.

Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head

[Star Wars Episode VII scene]

Princess Leia: I love you Han.

Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*

them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope

The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold

[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*

“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”

*Hipsters clear*

Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.

I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.

When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.

Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?

Thank you.

Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776

Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?

Trooper: State Police identify yourself

Me: Police identify yourself

Trooper: State Police

Me: Police

I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.

Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.

*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.

*Returns to couch.

*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.

My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.

Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.

“Please be normal”
“Nope”

Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy