Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.

“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”

Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.

Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”

Me: “It’s a secret.”

Job interviewer: “You got the job.”

“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”

Stages of helping your kids with a project:

1. Ok first off, when is it due?

2. Wait, WHAT??

(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*

I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.

Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine

Me: Don’t make this weird

Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker

[taking the last bite of a big meal]

date: what would you like to do next

me: poop

I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.

My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.

How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh

[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST

I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.

Me: I wish I were a bird.

Husband: So you can fly?

Me: No. So I can sh*t on people.

Husband: “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”

i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.

EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?

ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster

EARTH: great just checking

He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection

Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho

You know the economy is tanking when Kanye’s girlfriend can’t even afford clothes.

My work’s 401K has four levels of risk/return. I signed up for the riskiest level that invests only in timeshares and lottery tickets. You have to spend money to make money.

Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?

i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again

Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.

My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job

So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.

Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.

Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.