Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
You Might Also Like
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as she’s around the corner
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here