Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?

Me: sure!

Husband: any ideas?

Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?

Husband:

Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?

Husband:

Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?

Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch

Better names for porcupines:

Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum

Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island

[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader

15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’

Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘

15: ‘It’s back.’

Me: ‘Good talk.’

Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder

Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?

Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?

Me: Yes.

Husband:

Me:

Husband: No, I did not.

These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.

If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.

*his phone rings*

Me: who is she?

Him: huh

Me: who is Potential Spam!?

Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.

“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”

-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other

My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.

SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)

me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee

drive-thru person: how many coffees?

me: one please

Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.

If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money

You’re digging a deep hole in the sand. Your mother asks if you’re digging to China. You check your pocket globe.

Frog: WAKE ME UP!

Snake: Wake me up inside!

Pizza rolls are shaped like little pillows because you’re ready for a nap after eating 50 or 60 of them.

If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.

These are too funny not to post 😂

An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”

Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick

The End

sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people

These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.

Kale: i strengthen the immune system

Avocado: i’m a healthy fat

Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein

Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes

Me: six twinkies please

My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”

Me: “Poverty.”

Said hello to someone, they didn’t hear me, immediately assumed it was some sort of sixth sense situation

If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it