Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
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gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
oh u like geography? name every lake
I may be a middle aged suburban male but I still enjoy going out*, picking up hot chicks** & bringing them home.
*to Costco
** rotisserie chickens
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
15, driving: [runs stop sign]
me: ommmgg ok you ran that stop sign back there
15: but no one was coming
me: ok ..IT’S NOT A SUGGESTION
I’m not built for teenagers driving.
Sign of the day..
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.