Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
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[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Well…my morning coffee finally kicked in at about 8:37 p.m.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Angry when I have to prove I’m not a robot and angry at those who built the robots for whom I am held accountable for.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.