Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
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Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
[Violently kicking down the door of an elderly care nursing facility]
I NEED VOLUNTEERS TO RUN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
How did we not see this back then?
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.