Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
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Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*