Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.

the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”

[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]

I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.

Dodgeball in gym class…

because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.

You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do

*discovering a dead body*

Friend: When I said call for help I kind of meant the police?

Me: Aww man…sorry dude, you heard him.

Guy from Blue’s Clues: I’m still getting paid right

Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.

FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.

Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.

Me: A transplant?

Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.

Me:

Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.

[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”

My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.

You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”

Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.

Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.

Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.

I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.

“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”

[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else

handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat

JK it’s spam

Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.

Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.

Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?

Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier

Me: *typing on laptop*

My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*

Me: Aww. So sweet.

My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*

Me: Or not.

Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?

-a memoir

I come from a time of excessive Durans.

The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.

[boxing gym]

*points at everything*

I’d hit that.

When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”

Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORM

Reason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN

Surely these children should be in bed by now?

– me, anytime after 4pm