Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
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That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”